I AM A DOUCHEBAG





that is all.

but a sleep and a forgetting.

out of the several things i was supposed to do today, i've done a grand total of.. one? that one thing being actually get dressed. other things that i was supposed to do, but haven't, include: making some 'important' decisions about treatment options, inpatient units, therapies etc; making some sort of healthy breakfast/lunch/brunch and eating it (fooooool); writing an email to my old head of sixth form for a reference which i need in order to apply for a bursary for the sixth form college i desperately want to go to in september. how would i phrase that particular letter? oh hi i dropped out of your school because i was too ill to function like a normal human being but now i want you to write to this other private and awesome school and tell them that they should totally pay for me to go there. riiight. admittedly, i have more commitment and motivation to actually sorting my life out now than i did, say, six months ago, but i can't help but think that aforementioned head of sixth form might just tell them how flakey and ridiculous i am when it comes to my education and actually sticking at it. which would be fair enough i suppose.

the most infuriating thing about this is the constant indecision. the oh-wait-i-didn't-mean-it, the oh-no-don't-take-me-seriously-i-don't-need-help-i-was-kidding. i wish i could just MAKE THE DAMN CHOICE to get better and stick with it. i want to WANT to get better, i really do, but the dominant part of me - the evil, bitchy, anorexic part, i guess - overrules that every time i actually take a step in the right (ie. healthy) direction. it is so very nearly impossible to fight a battle with yourself when you can never be sure which part is telling the truth, which part is being rational, which part wants you to actually stay alive. it is also exhausting. ho-hum. anyways i am off to waste some time doing nothing in particular, which will be thrilling. s'laters.

roll up cigarettes. and the kindness of strangers.

evening bloggers. happy (?) wednesday. for the record i hate wednesdays, but that's a whole other can of worms which it would be sensible not to crack open. i've had a strange day. an i'm-not-sure-if-i'm-good-or-bad-or-rainy-or-boring-or-pointless day. i went into work this morning and, i'm proud to announce, managed to trudge through a grand total of two thrilling hours making sandwiches and coffees before bursting into tears and making all the customers a little uncomfortable. an impressive feat, though i say so myself. it was a combination of things, really. dead father plus family that are barely holding themselves together plus insurance claim nonsense plus spilling tea all over my laptop yesterday and thinking it was well and truly dead plus the local eating disorders outreach nurse telling you she is going to make arrangements for you to be admitted to hospital as soon as possible equals not the most cheerful chipmunk in the hutch. cage. whatever. after having been to see the new alice in wonderland film the other day and falling in love with johnny depp for the thirty ninth time falling down a rabbit hole or going through a looking glass or something along those lines is looking very appealing. unfortunately this is real life, and it doesn't seem to want to work like that, though i can't figure out why that is. so after being sent home from work because sobbing into tea cups isn't a very productive thing to do, i was just wandering the streets aimlessly, weeping like a damsel in distress. eventually i decided it would be smart to sit down on the freezing cold pavement by a charity shop. it was 'save the children', ironically. anybody feeling like reaching down and saving me?
didn't think so.
after sitting there getting a numb arse for a few minutes a lady came out of the hairdressing salon opposite and chivvied me inside and tucked me up on their crazy hippie sofa to try and warm me up. then we decided a fag would be beneficial so went out to their back yard and smoked and she listened while i detailed some (not all, she would have run away screaming) of my woes. i just wanted to like marry her. when everything is a mess it's the little things like people who don't know you, who you've never seen before in your life, caring enough to ask you what's wrong, being decent enough to try and make you feel better, that help. even if it's only a tiny bit.