out of the several things i was supposed to do today, i've done a grand total of.. one? that one thing being actually get dressed. other things that i was supposed to do, but haven't, include: making some 'important' decisions about treatment options, inpatient units, therapies etc; making some sort of healthy breakfast/lunch/brunch and eating it (fooooool); writing an email to my old head of sixth form for a reference which i need in order to apply for a bursary for the sixth form college i desperately want to go to in september. how would i phrase that particular letter? oh hi i dropped out of your school because i was too ill to function like a normal human being but now i want you to write to this other private and awesome school and tell them that they should totally pay for me to go there. riiight. admittedly, i have more commitment and motivation to actually sorting my life out now than i did, say, six months ago, but i can't help but think that aforementioned head of sixth form might just tell them how flakey and ridiculous i am when it comes to my education and actually sticking at it. which would be fair enough i suppose.
the most infuriating thing about this is the constant indecision. the oh-wait-i-didn't-mean-it, the oh-no-don't-take-me-seriously-i-don't-need-help-i-was-kidding. i wish i could just MAKE THE DAMN CHOICE to get better and stick with it. i want to WANT to get better, i really do, but the dominant part of me - the evil, bitchy, anorexic part, i guess - overrules that every time i actually take a step in the right (ie. healthy) direction. it is so very nearly impossible to fight a battle with yourself when you can never be sure which part is telling the truth, which part is being rational, which part wants you to actually stay alive. it is also exhausting. ho-hum. anyways i am off to waste some time doing nothing in particular, which will be thrilling. s'laters.
